IN LOVING MEMORY

NAN E. MILLEN

DEC. 27, 1946—MAR 8, 2007

I know it has been awhile since my last entry and there are many updates that I should tell all the wonderful people who have formed my support group, but please bare with me as this entry may help me lift the weight off of my heavy heart, and it is not about me.  I am grateful for this opportunity to be alone and to reflect. I am sitting in a motel on the NY/MA border, a little over half way on my trip back to NH. On Friday I received a call to tell me that my dear sweet friend Nan had passed on. I know I have written about her before in this journal, but I just have the need to say more about her.  The last time I saw her was when they came to visit me last summer. At the time she was so sick with horribly painful phlebitis in her legs and a cold that seemed like pneumonia to me. However…being the friend that she was, she insisted on stopping to see me when she visited her brother Steve in Maine.  She was much sicker than I was, but she had to make sure I was okay.  That was Nan.  Her husband Ralph abided by her wishes and was always “just there” for her, as he was during the whole 37 years of their marriage. When I got the call that she was gone, it was a no brainer for me to find a suitcase and be there. I only had one response to the people that said to me “I can’t believe you drove all this way alone to be here.”  All I could say was NAN WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME FOR ME.  The wake at the funeral home was so beautiful and every little detail seemed to be thought of. There were afghans and beautiful little dresses that she had made before her stroke 12 years ago. There were things she had accomplished since then, like “ The story of Nan” that she had dictated to her teacher when she was trying so hard to learn to read again.  She generously gave me a copy of that, so I had it with me in my car in case anyone forgot. Nothing was forgotten. Her story was there on a table.  She looked so beautiful and soooo pain free. That was a comfort. Ralph was the Prince he had always been where Nan was concerned. I was honored when I arrived at the church for the services and Ralph met me at my car and we walked into the church arm in arm. Nan must have been so happy about that. Through the whole thing he carried himself with dignity and love, continuing to be that one of a kind man that Nan loved so much.  During the service the congregation sang “How Great Thou Art”. So totally what I needed, as Nan and I used to sing that as teenagers in the little Burke Hill Church for the “Special music” for the day. Actually, Nan was the special music and I worried about remembering the words. She did the harmony, and even harmonized when I was off key. Come to think of it, that is the same way I passed Trig and Latin in high school. Nan “shifted gears” to help me “get it”.  She was so smart and never flaunted it or let on to anyone else that she had to “pull me up by my boot straps” when I would get lost academically and had failing grades in my future. She was “always there” as she was for so many people throughout her life.  There were masses that attended the wake and the church service and the fellowship luncheon after. Just an indication of how many people whose lives she had blessed.  Nan moved to our neighborhood (good old Burke Hill Road) when we were in the 5^th grade.  For some reason, (God’s purpose I guess) we became fast friends. Our fathers were both farmers and we lived about a mile or two apart on Burke Hill. In those days, when kids wanted to get together, there was no “meet ya at the Mall” or “call my cell” or “see ya in the chat room”.  In those days, we asked our Moms if we could get together, and once it was cleared, we started walking, saying to each other “I’ll meet you half way”.  We would set out on that old country road and eventually I would see her way off in the distance and as we got closer to each other we walked faster. We never did determine where “half way” was, because each time we would meet face to face at a different place on that road. I remember one time I decided that I would make the decision as to where the half way point was. I walked real fast towards Nan’s house, while she walked at a normal pace. When we met, I told her from now on THIS SPOT would be half way. Nan happily agreed to that, with the wisdom so often seen in her eyes. After that, she was always “sitting there waiting for me”!  Now you know why I needed her help in Math…DUH!! Once we met, we always walked back to her house, which was bursting at the seams with all of her siblings and so full of the sense of “family” with more than enough love to go around. As I reiterated to some members of her family, and specifically to her sweet Mom…WHEN I TAKE MY LAST WALK, I AM ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY UNEQUIVICALLY POSITIVE THAT NAN WILL MEET ME HALF WAY.  Heaven is a much better place now because they have a new special angel. I will miss you my friend…..

Thought I had best get an update in here as the next few days are busy busy busy. I finished up the last of the cookies yesterday so the cookie cutters are put away for another year. We went to the local tree farm and cut down our own tree a couple of weeks ago. I haven't done that in years but it is tradition around here. Even the dogs went!

I totally hate the cold so I was a bit reluctant to go as it had just snowed. Becky said "After what you have been through this year, a little snow ISN'T GOING TO KILL YOU!! She was right. It was great and we all had such a good time. That wasn't the only Christmas adventure we had this year. We went on the Polar Express. For those of you that are familiar with the book or the movie, it was exactly that type of experience. We drove 90 minutes to board a real steam engine train. It took us through the woods and to the North Pole. When we got off the train, we were greeted by lots of elves who carried lanterns and guided us up the long winding path  to the North Pole. There we went into a theater type of place. It was like a theater in the round type of thing, only there were no seats. The audience sat on carpeted steps that surrounded the stage. After we were all seated, an "Old Story Teller" came out on stage in his bathrobe and slippers. As he read us the Polar Express book, a big screen in back of him displayed the pictures that were in the pages of the book. As he flipped the pages, the screen changed also. It was awesome!  Of course then Santa came out to see us and walked through the audience trying to shake hands or at least acknowledge every child there. It was so heartwarming to watch the looks of wonder and total belief on the faces of the kids.  Most of them wore PJ's because "Santa loves PJ's". We took Jordan of course as well as my other daughter's child and a friend of Jordan's. Of course we took lots of pictures. This is Becky and Timmy and 3 of the children they took..

This is a picture of all four of the children they took.....

I have one more piece of news to share and then I will let all of you who get "stuck" reading my ramblings to get back to your life. I had a appointment with Dr. Becht this week. The ulcer that has replaced my tumor has gotten much worse and Dr. Becht thinks it has eaten it way to my jaw bone. Not a good thing as my jaw bone is a bit fragile right now from all the radiation.  He said he was sure it wasn't a return of the cancer as he rechecked the last PET scan and it was truly clear of active cancer cells. However, an infection of the jaw bone will be very hard to treat. Soooooooo I have an appointment the day after Christmas for a CT scan of the jaw bone and then an appointment on Thursday with an ENT specialist to see what he would recommend. Dr. Becht said he thinks I am going to have to have hyperbaric chamber treatments in order to heal that ulcer and stop it from continuing on it's merry way. The chamber is what they use to "decompress" deep sea divers but they have discovered that it is really helpful in the healing of wounds also. I don't know too much about it yet but it has something to do with putting me in a chamber where the atmospheric pressure is increased five times above normal pressure and the chamber is full of pure oxygen. Something about the pressure forcing the oxygen through the body and letting it completely be absorbed by compromised tissue. There can be some pretty nasty side effects but as you can tell, I don't know that much about it yet so I will cross that bridge when I come to it.  For right now, I am going to kick back and just enjoy the wonders of a Christmas I wasn't supposed to see. May all of you do the same. Don't forget to pass out the gift of hugs and appreciation to those you love. Close your eyes and fold your arms in front of you. Can you feel it?? That is my hug to you!   I love  you all.........